Domestic Abuse V Suicide.
If you live in the UK, you can’t of missed the news about Kiena Dawes. Kiena took her own life as a direct result of the domestic abuse she was experiencing from her ex partner. She had endured two years of abuse from Ryan Wellings. Kiena left a note stating that Ryan Wellings had murdered her. Yesterday, Ryan Wellings was found not guilty of manslaughter but was found guilty of coercive and controlling behaviour and assault.
For those of you who do not live in the UK, please click on this link for the full story.
https://www.thesun.co.uk/news/32789153/missed-chances-save-kiena-nightmare-romance-abuse-ex?
This is a terrible case. I mean, every case is terrible but you have to be pretty desperate to take your life in the way Kiena did. Another woman let down by the Police and the justice system. Missed opportunities. This beautiful young woman should of been protected. She should of felt protected. But she didn’t. Although three police officers face misconduct hearings in relation to contact they had with Kiena before she died, I am still seeing the words, ‘Lessons will be learnt’, in other articles about this poor young woman. But that is the point. Lessons are not learnt! I had a call from someone last week who works in the domestic abuse sector. They had gone to the police because they had found themselves in a coercive and controlling relationship with someone. They spent hours with the police telling them everything that had happened, only for them to come back and say they did not consider it was coercive control and would not be taking it any further. The police officer said to them, coercive control is making someone eat out of a dog bowl. WHAT??? No it isn’t. And if this officer truly believes that then he is in the wrong job! But what got me was that this person felt that maybe it hadn’t been as bad as they thought. She felt she had not been believed and feels vulnerable as a result. This is a person that has worked in the domestic abuse sector for years. She knows what she is talking about. She know that Coercive Control is not about making someone eat from a dog’s bowl - and yet this police officer made her feel so confused, she doubted herself.
When is this all going to stop? It feels as if we take five steps forward and 10 back!
But let’s spare a thought for Kiena Dawes. I feel that Ryan Wellings should of been found guilty of manslaughter. It was his actions and his actions alone, that drove her to end her own life, leaving behind a 9 month old daughter. She wrote on her suicide note that she hoped that her life would save another by police services acting faster. Was her death in vain? As well as all the other women that lose their lives or take their own lives as a direct result of experiencing domestic abuse.
The correlation between domestic abuse and suicide is high. But there is no where near enough information about it. I will leave this blog with Kiena’s words that she left in her suicide note. They are upsetting. But until everyone understands the impact of domestic abuse, her words need to be heard. She needs to be listened to. She needs to be believed.
“The end. I fought hard, I fought long. went through pain no one could imagine. No one will know what I went through.
“I was murdered. Slowly. They tortured me, till there was nothing left. I lost my fight but I didn’t give up my battle. I fought till the end. Ryan Wellings killed me.”
Very relatable Sharon. I completely understand the examples you’ve shared as if they were my own lived experiences. It is so upsetting to know so many women suffer in this way and their children too. Thank you for not giving up on raising awareness Sharon!
If we don't bleed we aren't hurting. How wrong can society, family and friends be.
Because with coercieve control we don't show signs of physical harm nobody acts to support us. So we slowly die from the inside out. Until the pain inside is so great, because we are powerless to escape we are forced to end our own lives to ease the unending suffering.
We are normal women. Wanting to be loved and cared for. We also want to LIVE. How many young women if diagnosed with cancer would chose to die? They would chose to live. Wanting to die is an extreme but normal response to unending suffering imposed on us by coercieve controllers.
The suicides of abuse victims are now being investigated as homicides. But how can they be investigated and go to court if all those professionals and jury's continue to believe that coercieve control does not kill.
But the suicides are just the tip of the ice berg.
What has society done to the women who were suicidal but survived ? What happened did the medical profession do to those women before they took their lives? How has society failed to protectand care for us?
We focus too much on the failings of police/ social workers.
What is not discussed is how psychiatrics become our abusers enablers. This is the most underdiscussed, hidden issue in domestic abuse.
Medics do not protect us. As I found out family friends and professionals failed to support and protect me. And as has happened to women throughout time society worsens our situation.
Our appropriate feelings of powerless and suicidality are easy to treat. The answers are simple Listen, remove and protect us. Prosecute our persecutor.
But society has not changed it's attitude towards women in abusive relationships. I ran away.
I trusted family and psychiatrists. And in their wisdom they sent me back to him. He threatened that I'd never see the kids if I left him.
No surprise I became suicidal. No escape no hope.
Societies answer to that was to feel sorry for my husband. Incarcerate me on a psychiatric ward. Ignore my pleas . Kept me living with him. Told me living with him was best. They Drugged me to the eye balls and give me electric shock therapy. They left me severely brain damaged and disabled for life.
I did eventually get away.
But post separation abuse continued. ..... completely misunderstood by society and family. But that's another story in itself.
But I have a life sentence of brain damage and my abuser gets away with nothing.
But he got to weaponise my supposed " mental health problems" and used it against me time and time again.
I have never felt suicidal or needed any psychiatric support since leaving him
It's taken 20 years for my doctor's to understand. For them to put domestic abuse victim on my notes and to have my supposed mental health diagnosis removed. That in itself is a huge relief.
Psychological suffering from coercieve abuse is not a mental illness.
No amount of torture by drugs or elevtroconvulsive therapy or incarceration in wards Will make women safe, stop us wanting to die.
If deaths are to be prevented psychiatrists should act like A and E doctors and any woman suffering coercieve control should have a domestic abuse support teams brought in immediately.
A woman should be removed from the abuse and protected before being locked up and medicines and electrical torture used.
Psychiatric treatment of coercieve abuse is a prolongation of the abuse we have suffered and doctors are adding to the harm done to Us by our abusers.
It is truly shocking that in 2025 that psychiatric wards are still effectively an extension of our abusers to silence their women.
So I ask that not only do we remember those women and girls who were forced into taking their lives. But I ask that we think about those women sitting on psychiatric wards in the UK today. Shamed and blamed by doctors, family and friends. Unable to leave. Drugged up to the eye balls, some of whom may be heading down the the ECT suite in the morning to suffer brain damage at the hands of psychiatrists.
Everyday for 2 years my husband made me want to die.
He wanted me to die. But he didn't want blood on his hands.
He wanted me to die because I ran away. Punishment.
He gave me 3 choices. Leave without the kids. Stay in the hell or die.
He loved the cudos of being the " caring husband looking after his mentally incarcerated wife". Yet nobody saw behind scenes his cruelty.
I came close so many times.
But I am lucky I escaped.
I am not weak. I am strong.
Those who are forced to take there lives are hugely strong. I could not do it I wasn't strong enough to end my suffering. They are not weak but they were broken and beaten. with no hope. No chance of escape. Let down by everyone they turned to.
Murder with a knife is a violent stab.
Death by suicide from coercieve abuse is a slow painful long drawn out death over months and years. Its death by 1000 cuts.